Understand..

myself, i feel like a lost puppy. Life is hitting me the more i think about it. I'm already slacking off in school, i don't remember what is due for the next day, i get hella lazy now a days, and just completely not me. I'd hate to say that Junior years is one hell of a year, there's alot of socializing! and buliding new relationships in school, i'm already seeing myself not going to a UC for the first 2years, but it's all the same cause you're getting your G.E. hella sad, but circumstances change. I don't want to get into the habit of going to College cause it's the same thing as highschool as i heard. Junior year is all planning about college, and i don't even know where i want to go for sure; i have @ least 2?
What do i want? I honestly don't even know, i hate being lost. i don't want to doubt myself in anything at all. I wouldn't say i'm tired of relationships cause i'm not, we're totally on our own. We have no restrictions no guidelines, nothing at all that'll piss the both of us off. But the one main problem that is bugging me is that I DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP. No really, it's like we're BESTFRIENDS that has a LABEL as 'together'/. "off-limits" LOL is that weird? Monida says i'm unique and i think i am. I can careless if Brian ever check out girls or even talk to any one in a flirty way. I wouldn't say i'm cocky or overconfident that i'll have him crawling back but i've always been like that. He's been through alot and he's already sick and tired of argueing and so he pleases with whatever i want & I want someone to take control, not fully but some what, i'm so tired of taking control 'cause I always get my way and i make all the decisions which gets hella boring. (Weird?!?) Yea, well it's obvious i haven't been ina crazy relationship where i experienced everything like him and i say i'm new, ahhaha cause i'm not tired of argueing yet, i'm not tired of complaining, i'm not tired of him. Now i like to put in everyone's opinion and than choose but whenever brian and i seem to ask each other what we want to do it's always an answer of IDK. Do you ever get that, when you ask someone for their opinion and it's the same answer as you? 'idk' idc whatever, its up to you' ahahhaah yeah i get that alot and it's pretty annoying. I like to make everyone happy as much as i can but i ain't gonna please you to the fullest. I have a six sense, I'm a quick typa' person, i like things done fast and organized. IF you can't catch up to me than i'll leave you behind. ahaha, i hate unplanned days cause i'll wander off not knowing what to do. I'm so getting off topic =X
This is the first time i actually have a blog that i express everything out to the open. I'm not gonna fill you in with all the main details but just a summary. HAHA<3 But yea, Brian and I are great, it's just what i feel. He really doesn't understand why i feel like this and i honestly feel as if i'm hurting him cause i've done so much shit that hurts him inside but he can't do anything about it)= I put him through it all.. I miss him riding his bike just to visit me @ 2 in the morning, calling me just to check up on me when i'm sleeping, someone who was there to slap me around cause the guy i was 'dating' isn't right for me. Someone who Got into a car with a complete stranger which turned out to be gay to come to my house for 10mins. then leave, HAHAHA! oh fuck, I miss calling him my Brother, then beating him in 13! MWAHHA, I miss the first IM i received from him and blocked him! HAHA i miss the first time he asked for my number and i gave him the rejection #! I'd do middle school all over again in no time! he's sooo cute! SO which makes me think, am i that lucky to have someone that truly loves me insanely to give up everything? =\ i feel hella guilty. I love him soooo much, AND IT'S SCARY! IT REALLY IS.